Sunday, March 8, 2015

Like A Girl

Dear [insert culture, society, family, or name of choice],

I want this stage of my life to be over, this stage of being beaten down by the measurement you've set. I'm ready to move onto the next: to the one where I don't allow my worth to be dependent on how you view me.

I know, I'm living a dream if I think I'll ever be to that stage. But maybe someday I'll be closer, hopefully much closer than I am now. Maybe someday, when I'm not enveloped and pressured by your view that is meant to make my view and desires feel guilty, I'll be a little closer to that--a little more sure of myself than I am right now.

Because right now, I'm feeling the weight of the shadow you've created. The one you've tried to mold me into. Right now, I'm feeling the years of conditioning, ready to--hopefully--break loose.

Right now, in your eyes, I'm a woman who's walking a thin line into an unacceptable life. If I want to be accepted, I must fit into your category. You say that isn't so, and preach acceptance. Yet the more I realize my potential--and that it can't and won't be chained to your acceptable womanly shadow--the more I feel your judgement.

I'm selfish, shallow, vain, worldly. Pick the word you like--you've used them all, if only in your heart and mind.

But really, I want to be independent and change the world. I want to make a difference. I want to allow who I am to shine through in what I do. I want to work my talents and be able to accept it and believe it when people tell me I'm a great person, and really quite likable.

I wan't to stop feeling like it's a shameful thing to show my beauty, within and without.

I'm done.

I'm done not feeling good enough. I'm done being downgraded by our clashing. I am a woman, and one God loves. I am a woman who is strong and maybe even sometimes incredible, even when--brace yourself--I'm not at the potential you think I can reach.

But you know what? I'm steering in the direction of the potential I want to reach, and, actually, am already there. I want to become what I value. And--again, brace yourself--I think I just might be there. I think I just might already be a woman of worth, to my standards. And that makes me happy.

Do you hear that? I am happy with who I am. What, that's hard to believe, since I'm not the kind of woman you think I should be?

Guess what. I love the woman I am. I love who I know I am inside, and what I know I'm capable of. I love me, who you don't see, and sometimes I see that others love me, too. I'm kind--genuinely and honestly kind. I have an empathetic and caring soul, that brims over capacity with love for others. I want others to be happy and for them to see their worth.

And I want to be included in that. I want to stop being judged, tirelessly--on my appearance, for one. Not only do I not want to be judged for it, but I want to stop allowing you to let me feel unworthy or not good enough because of it.

No, I am not craving acceptance. No, I'm not lost. I am found, and have accepted myself. With every passing day, I feel more capable of owning who I am. So, please, don't feel sorry for me, or pin me as a rebellious soul trying to find her identity. I'm a grown woman, and I know exactly who I am.

I might not be as conservative as you, in beliefs, words, or dress. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

I just. want. to. be. comfortable. in my own damn skin. And I want to stop feeling the need to apologize for it.

It's okay--more than okay--to be a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and stands for something--even if that something is different than what you stand for.

It's okay for a woman to be both smart and beautiful, and to use her talents in the capacity she desires.

I don't feel strong most the time--hardly ever, actually. Part of that is the pressure from you--a lot of it is. But part of that is because I expect too much of myself. I want, so badly, to not fall pressure to human--or "girly"--emotions. In my eyes, those emotions make me weak.

I want to know I'm strong, and not depend on you for it. I want to know it's okay to express emotion, be it sadness, joy, love, depression. I want to feel safe in that.

I want to feel confident in who I am. Comfortable.

And see, the thing is, I am. It's you who is not. It's you who is not comfortable with me embracing myself. It's you who is not comfortable with my own empowerment. My own joy, and inner piece. Because to you, the only way I can truly have that inner piece is to fit into the mold.

Again, I repeat: I'm done.

I was done trying to fit into that mold a long time ago, but now I'm done allowing it to control my emotions and make me feel like a lesser person. I'm done feeling worthless. I want to break away.

I will break away. I will fly, and I will be real with myself. I will be okay with your disapproval, because not only have I approved of myself, but I have let in the love of others who also approve.

I am a woman of worth.

No Longer Yours,
Jen

#LikeAGirl
#InternationalWomensDay

1 comment:

Katherine Lampe said...

ROCK ON! IF YOU DELETE THIS AMAZING POST, I WILL POP A CORK.