Romanticizing Reality

Do you ever need to release your anxiety or emotions as badly as you need a breath of fresh air, but can't because they're not for the world--or anyone, really--to hear? Do you ever feel the need to scream or shout at the world for all it's done to the battered, scarred victim you are, but at the same time feel the need to weep tears of gratitude to all those people, truths, and beauties that have, in turn, made you find just one more nugget of self-awareness or appreciation for who you've become? (I'm trying not to shudder at my cliche decision to open with a question. Hopefully you can get past it, too.) My path of self-discovery has been a long one. It's been trying. It's hurt myself, as well as those around me. It's put other people's happiness at risk. It's been brutal. And wretched. And left me wondering how I could go my entire life before this not being able to see myself, and the world around me, more clearly. It's been a journey...

Dear [insert culture, society, family, or name of choice] , I want this stage of my life to be over, this stage of being beaten down by the measurement you've set. I'm ready to move onto the next: to the one where I don't allow my worth to be dependent on how you view me. I know, I'm living a dream if I think I'll ever be to that stage. But maybe someday I'll be closer, hopefully much closer than I am now. Maybe someday, when I'm not enveloped and pressured by your view that is meant to make my  view and desires feel guilty, I'll be a little closer to that--a little more sure of myself than I am right now. Because right now , I'm feeling the weight of the shadow you've created. The one you've tried to mold me into. Right now , I'm feeling the years of conditioning, ready to--hopefully--break loose. Right now, in your eyes, I'm a woman who's walking a thin line into an unacceptable life. If I want to be accepted, I must fi...

Before I learned I had to be a paying member wasn't cool enough to attend one of the writing sessions I was going to attend in Denver last week, I was tasked with writing an essay titled The Greatness of Flaws . Naturally, when I found out I couldn't attend the meeting, part of me was relieved to not have to write the piece. Then my mind got stuck in it and I couldn't stop thinking about it and what I would write if I could go. The problem was, I couldn't think of anything worthy or noble to say about the greatness of flaws. Nothing. And of course, because that troubled me, I decided to write a post on that topic, and try to articulate the best I could how I really feel about the greatness of flaws. So here's this: First, I will talk about my own flaws. My distortions. My ugliness. Because I see no greatness in my flaws. Almighty Heaven and Earth, life is hard, and finding my strengths right now seems impossible, and seeing my flaws as "g...