Romanticizing Reality

…My response? "YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD BE LETTING A “HEADACHE” KILL 9 DAYS OF MY LIFE, INCLUDING WORK AND TIME WITH MY KIDS??" *** DISCLAIMER (and I don't just say this because the post is long): There are lots of curses and capitalized words. Continue at your own risk. *** Some of you have asked how I am doing, and in an attempt to not use my eyes and brain too much, I haven’t answered. I'm sorry if that has worried or offended people. I'm just doing what I can do. So I figured I’d type this up, send it out collectively, and I won’t have to answer over and over again (with the exception that I miraculously get better and actually CAN type individual responses. In which case, I would gladly do so.) WARNING : some of you (if not most) will find this offensive. If you’re one of those people, then stop reading and don’t blame me for writing something that offends you. Because, truthfully and to the core, I don’t care. I can’t anymore. I don’t have the capaci...

Do you ever need to release your anxiety or emotions as badly as you need a breath of fresh air, but can't because they're not for the world--or anyone, really--to hear? Do you ever feel the need to scream or shout at the world for all it's done to the battered, scarred victim you are, but at the same time feel the need to weep tears of gratitude to all those people, truths, and beauties that have, in turn, made you find just one more nugget of self-awareness or appreciation for who you've become? (I'm trying not to shudder at my cliche decision to open with a question. Hopefully you can get past it, too.) My path of self-discovery has been a long one. It's been trying. It's hurt myself, as well as those around me. It's put other people's happiness at risk. It's been brutal. And wretched. And left me wondering how I could go my entire life before this not being able to see myself, and the world around me, more clearly. It's been a journey...

Dear [insert culture, society, family, or name of choice] , I want this stage of my life to be over, this stage of being beaten down by the measurement you've set. I'm ready to move onto the next: to the one where I don't allow my worth to be dependent on how you view me. I know, I'm living a dream if I think I'll ever be to that stage. But maybe someday I'll be closer, hopefully much closer than I am now. Maybe someday, when I'm not enveloped and pressured by your view that is meant to make my  view and desires feel guilty, I'll be a little closer to that--a little more sure of myself than I am right now. Because right now , I'm feeling the weight of the shadow you've created. The one you've tried to mold me into. Right now , I'm feeling the years of conditioning, ready to--hopefully--break loose. Right now, in your eyes, I'm a woman who's walking a thin line into an unacceptable life. If I want to be accepted, I must fi...

Before I learned I had to be a paying member wasn't cool enough to attend one of the writing sessions I was going to attend in Denver last week, I was tasked with writing an essay titled The Greatness of Flaws . Naturally, when I found out I couldn't attend the meeting, part of me was relieved to not have to write the piece. Then my mind got stuck in it and I couldn't stop thinking about it and what I would write if I could go. The problem was, I couldn't think of anything worthy or noble to say about the greatness of flaws. Nothing. And of course, because that troubled me, I decided to write a post on that topic, and try to articulate the best I could how I really feel about the greatness of flaws. So here's this: First, I will talk about my own flaws. My distortions. My ugliness. Because I see no greatness in my flaws. Almighty Heaven and Earth, life is hard, and finding my strengths right now seems impossible, and seeing my flaws as "g...

I miss writing. But since starting my full-time job, brain cells are hard to come by at night. So I'll count this blog post as my writing time tonight. I just wanted to put a beautiful thought out there I heard/read today. I came across this little excerpt from Nikos Kazantazakis while at an afternoon appointment, and whether or not one believes in his philosophies is beside the point; no matter your beliefs, this parable speaks truth. And mostly, it applies so much to what I'm going through in my life right now. Patience. It's never come easily to me (thanks for the impatience, Dad). It's one thing I'm being tested on constantly right now, and one thing I'm trying to learn so I can move to the next stage of my life (I don't have very much patience while trying to get through this trial of patience). In all seriousness, though, I've had to mostly learn how to have patience with myself . And then I read this today: "I remember one morning w...

Okay, so not deadly, unless you're talking Death By Boredom. I was tagged by a twitter friend, Paige Randall , to do a blog post called "7 Lovely Things About You." Technically, I do still have a little over an hour of Monday remaining, according to PST, so this will also count as that Monday Blogs post I felt like I should write. Because, of course, this is vital stuff. That being said, these things aren't "lovely." They're just...me. But I will try to make them as beautiful-sounding as I can. Sometimes I can write good well. *Update: I did not make them as beautiful-sounding as I could. I hate being scared. You might wonder why I would list something so obvious, because--duh--who likes being scared? Well, apparently most people do. Because they spend tons of money every year on scary movies, and haunted houses at Halloween. When I say I hate being scared, I really mean it. I mean Get that shit away from me . Being frightened is NOT my idea o...

Thank you, Adam Dreece , for tagging me in this "Ten Things You Don't Know About Me" blog tour (he totally made it up, but whatever). Yes, I was supposed to have this up yesterday for #MondayBlogs . But I'm a writer, which translates to Procrastinator.  I try explaining to my "in real life" friends and family the reason I love twitter so much, but it's hard to put into words the feeling you get from a large community of like-minded people and writers. I consider my twitter community a second family, really--people who are "in real life." It's where I can be myself and these people understand me. And they're awesome. Adam is one of those people. One of those awesome-yet-quirky-and-oh-so-hilarious-and-witty pals. He's also the author of the YA steampunk series, The Yellow Hoods . Check him out on twitter , too. He's the one wearing a steampunk monocle. Can't miss it. Monocle. So...Ten things you don't know about ...